New meds. Again.

So, like all other mental health patients in the UK (I assume) my psychiatrist has decided that throwing yet more pills at me will make my problems go away. 

 

So now I have Mirtazapine added to my Quetiapine, Pregabalin and Epilim.

 

Now, I know it’s too soon to say after one night, but all that Mirtazapine seems to be doing to me is making me feel even more sleepy and sluggish than I already did.

 

Ok, I’ll admit that I did actually sleep through the night last night, but I woke up feeling just as tired as I was when I went to bed, and it’s taken me half the day for my sleepy eye to wake up (I have one eye that kinda, only half opens when I’m super tired).

 

I’ve also be referred to the intensive support team again, woo. -_- I’m not exactly impressed seeing as my experience with them last time lead to me making some really good improvement, then them dropping me like a stone after my 4 weeks was up and me regressing back to this point where I’m barely leaving my bedroom.

 

Seriously. I’m sick of all this. I really am just fucking sick of it. All of it. I want to be better, I want to go back to normal, I want this to all be a nasty dream.  

Just had my first panic attack in a few days. You wouldn’t think I’ve been dealing with this for 6 months.

Just had my first panic attack in a few days. You wouldn't think I've been dealing with this for 6 months.

So, this panic caught me off guard, normally it’s because I have to go out, or because I’ve tried to go in the garden or something. But this was different. I just all of a sudden realised that my Dad was going out soon, and that I’d be alone. Now, I’m fine when I’m alone, I get loads done, but for some reason, today it scares me.

I’ve almost conquered sleep again!

So, for the first time in a long time, I’ve had an almost full night’s sleep. I woke up once, but I refused to get up, and fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.

 

I still look and feel very tired… but inside I’m celebrating.

 

Image

 

FUCK YEAH.

 

Fingers and toes crossed for tonight!

What I might do when I get better…

Ok, so I know I’m not supposed to be worrying myself about what I’m going to do with myself after I get better, just focusing on actually GETTING better, but I’ve started thinking that I might want to put my experience of mental illness to work. I don’t think I’d want to go into care work, because I’ve worked in special education, and the care side of that was probably my least favourite side of the job. Although it WAS incredibly rewarding, I think I want a job where I can go a bit easier.

 

So, I’ve been thinking about how I’m pretty good at getting things moving, about how I’ve done work before around getting funds raised and raising awareness…. Maybe I could take all my experience from working with people with special educational needs, and my own struggles with mental health, and work for a mental health organisation…

 

Good idea, no?

 

I really have no clue about how I’d start to point myself in that direction, at the moment, I’m going to take everyone’s advice and just focus on getting better. But at least I’ve planted a seed… an idea that I can follow up on when I’m feeling like leaving the house. When I’m ready to start giving back. When I get my work drive back again.

My forehead hurts.

So, as yesterday’s little poem stated, yesterday, I was angry.

 

But I was not angry and stupid, well, not COMPLETELY stupid.

 

I needed to hurt, I needed to feel something other than angry, so I got a hold of my spikey stress ball…

 

Image

 

And introduced it to my forehead.

 

Several hundred times.

 

The great thing about this is that it doesn’t mark.

 

I’ve not scarred myselt.

 

It’s just a little tender today.

 

But it helped.

 

Maybe a punch bag would have helped just as much, who knows?

 

Anyway, that’s alll for now.

 

Another awful night’s sleep means I need to do something or I’m going to get all grumpy really soon.

Today, I am angry… (A short poem)

Today, I am angry and I don’t know why.
I want to shout and scream and punch and cry.
I want to bleed.
I want to feel pain.
I want to feel anything other than angry,

Today, I’m uneasy in my skin.
I don’t like how it feels,
It itches and crawls.
It makes me feel dry, and old.
It isn’t part of me, not really.

Today, my anger will pass.
I will never learn why I was angry,
or what set me off.
I think not knowing might be better than knowing.
But it doesn’t make it stop,
And it doesn’t help me grow.

Am I in the wrong here?

This may not be as well written as my other posts. I’ve been awake since just after 2am and it’s now approaching 9pm, I’m very very tired.

I see my girlfriend most days, she helps me so much with my mental health in so many ways, but I feel like I’ve just had an argument over literally nothing.

Most of it was because she sent me a sweet message earlier in the day, and I never replied in text format, I understand, not being replied to is annoying, but… WE HAVE HAD SOMEWHERE IN THE REALM OF 7-9 PHONE CONVERSATIONS TODAY.

She said “you haven’t even asked how I am” (as if I’d had a chance to talk about anything other than the above mentioned point) and when I followed up by asking, she just went “it doesn’t even matter now”… ok. annoying, but get this… less than a minute later, she’s back at it, claiming that I haven’t asked how she is, and that I don’t care…

I DID ASK! 20 SECONDS AGO! AND YOU SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER!

I tell you what, women confuse me so much sometimes.

In the end I just tried to make a deal involving us agreeing that the conversation was going nowhere and that it would be best to just say goodnight and go to bed.

But seriously, am I in the wrong here?

I’m pretty tired, so I’ll be off to bed after I post this, but based on the replies, I’ll either go grovelling or stand my ground in the morning.

Signing out.

Pop